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PLUNK GENEALOGY -- see "Family" label on this blog and/or write Mike at mdplunk@hotmail.com

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Thomas Girls vs. The Ped-Egg



Although somewhat overdue because of family matters that have kept me from the blog for a few days, I had planned an interesting, historic piece about a Beale St. site complete with photos sent by niece Shannon from her visit with us this summer.

But then, those crazy Thomas girls got into the act. I had sent out a loving, serious email to the group (nieces Ruth, Robin & Roberta – in chronological order – and Marcy, Robin’s precious daughter to whom she generously allows me part claim).

As background, regular readers know that my red-headed brother, their father and g’dad, passed away just over a month ago. I had not mentioned that his passing was due to colon cancer. In his memory, Mike and I scheduled, then underwent colonoscopies. My brother had never had one. Mike and I, by the way, both had good reports.

Having set the example, I wrote all the girls to encourage them to do so. And then it all fell apart. The best way to share is to let their emails (somewhat edited for their self-respect) tell the story.

Marcy: Auntie D, I'm so glad that everything went well with your and Mike's procedures and that all is clear. Yahoo! Mum, Aunts R & R -- I Ped-Egg'd a little too much again this weekend! I just can't seem to find the right balance between gently filing the calluses away and drawing blood.

Ruth: I saw your email, Marcy, and, Robin, you have no idea how much blood I have spilled too – looked like Sharon Tate was murdered in my bathroom. It’s not just you, Marcy, who can’t find the magic touch. I go barefoot most of the time, and I think I could actually walk on hot coals without feeling it, so I’m not sure that the ped-egg and I are going to have a long, prosperous relationship. I will keep trying, though, if I don’t bleed to death first!

Auntie D: You ladies are going to have to tell me what a ped-egg is. Sounds like something ya'll did on your N'ville weekend when I was headed back to Memphis. Clue me in.

Marcy: A "Ped-Egg" is this evil little device that is SUPPOSED to miraculously make the calluses on your feet soft and supple. HOWEVER............. as you can see, some of us are having a problem with the "miraculous" and "soft & supple" parts.

It goes like this: Place the ped-egg in the palm of your hand. Gently (GENTLY!!) file the rough spots on the bottom of your feet with the razor sharp collection of 100 tiny blades. The dead skin removed is conveniently collected in the egg-shaped receptacle in your palm. A few problems: The Thomas/Avery girls are far too impatient and, thus, keep going and going until we draw blood! The Thomas/Avery girls never give up. We use that darn thing ‘til we bleed in vain hope that one more swipe will do the trick. The Thomas/Avery girls love a good deal. It’s probably never taken us so long to master a $9.99 Walgreen’s purchase. You’re right. My Mum gifted them to us when we were in Nashville.

Auntie D: Wowzers. Sounds like I could just use the little $9.99 device I bought to buzz away the balled-up surfaces on upholstery and sweaters. It has 100 tiny blades, too. On second thought, I'll just stick to my pumice stone for my feet.

Robin: Girls, Girls, Girls

Ruth: Yes, Robin dear, I will be going soon to have my colonoscopy and catch up with you and Aunt D – that is, of course, if I don’t bleed to death from your gift. Right now, I am far, far more concerned about the growing boo-boos on my feet than I am about anything going on in my colon – unless, of course, they come out with a Colon-Egg that you graciously provide us on our next trip. If this had not come from you, precious one, I would have already thrown the damn thing away, but Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I will not do that unless I die from blood loss. I honestly would never, ever, ever have brought this up if you had not said something, Marcy. (Yeah, that’s what SHE says.) Thank you for that as now I do not feel like a retard who could not use the stinkin’ thing. There should be more warnings or something. This is a dangerous weapon.

Roberta: People, people, people -- I obviously have had much better success with therapy than ANY of you girls have! Everything in moderation, ladies. I do NOT scrub with the ped-egg until blood appears – which, by the way, should not be the indicator that it's time to stop, sweet Marcy!!

Most of us - speaking for the world’s normal babies of the families – are already screwed up. However, I am at least not AS screwed up as you guys are in this particular activity. That actually gives me much satisfaction, being the screwed-up baby of the family. SOooo, the moral of this little ditty is: follow the baby’s example and use the stupid ped-egg for just a few passes around the bottom of your feet - NOT one hundred passes and not on the top of your tootsies, Marcy dear, until blood appears. That is NOT part of the instructions for the Ped Egg.

I will send everyone replacement batteries as you obviously have already used yours up, Be careful out there, girls. -I leave you - sincerely signed - the Ped-Egg authority and successful 2008 user as well as a non-member of the Thomas Ped-Egg Mutilation Club

Ruth: Uh............. there were instructions?????

Robin: Oh, you wacko sisters/auntie/and daughter. You guys have toooo much time on your hands, but made my evening once. Auntie D, I've got an extra Ped-Egg I'll send you or bring you next time I’m down in Memphis so don't go buy one - which I know you're dying to do!

Marcy: So, Mum, let me get this straight. You want to try and kill Auntie D, too?!?!?

Ruth: Dear Aunt D,
Following the last email from our precious “Gift Giver” Rhonda Robin (aka the middle child), I have rushed an emergency medical kit to the post office for immediate delivery to you in hopes that it will arrive before AKA middle sister presents you with your Blood-Egg. Enclosed in your emergency medical kit are all the supplies you will need to use the Blood-Egg, and I have inventoried them for you below with descriptions as some of the items are not normally used as required in this instance.

Basic supplies include:
Band-aids of various sizes - large, square one for best coverage on the heel, small square ones for spot holes and scrapes, normal size ones for general use, and the cute little round ones for the deep gouges and punctures as well as butterfly style “stitch” band-aids for those stubborn areas that just will not heal.

Various antiseptic sprays, creams and lotions to prevent infection and eventual amputation of the foot and possibly the lower leg.

Gauze and tape, extra large cotton balls, swabs, Q-tips (you gotta have Q-tips to get the chunks of your skin out of the stupid blade thingy once you rinse the blood off.)

Crutches, one pair, with extra padding on the handles as you will be using these so much and I do not want your underarms to get bruised.

Five pairs of new, white high-top cotton socks, extra thick. After cleaning and bandaging the wound using the items above, I have found it is best to fully wrap the foot and lower ankle area with clean, sterile gauze and tape. Gently insert into new, white, high-top cotton socks. Use crutches and do not put pressure on wound until it has been allowed to clot.

Any bleeding will, of course, show up immediately on the new, white, high-top cotton socks even though they are extra-thick. Then you should seek medical attention immediately as you are in big trouble.

Leave sock on during transport and proceed to further instructions below.

The large, blue, industrial plastic tarp MUST be spread out on the floor prior to use of the Blood-Egg as it will fully protect your carpet or hard wood floors from the huge amount of blood that will be shed during use of this devil’s devise. (When not in use as a floor cover, Mike can use it as a paint tarp or for a waterproof sub-floor during camping but it MUST always be washed with a powerful garden hose to eradicate the blood and body tissue after use. It must also be dried, folded and returned to the emergency medical kit to be ready and available for the next callous-removal use). In the event of a medical emergency resulting in the necessity for transport to the nearest medical facility, the large, blue, industrial, plastic tarp should be firmly wrapped around your foot and leg and pressure should be applied to the hemorrhaging vein area during transport.

A separate sterile tourniquet has also been provided in the event that the large, blue, industrial, plastic tarp does not stem the hemorrhage, as that is not its actual purpose. It will, however, prevent blood from ruining the carpets and upholstery in your car. It also keeps the occasional blood spurts from the windshield and windows so that Mike can see to get you to the emergency room as soon as possible.

Ambulance drivers will not be amused by the large, blue, industrial, plastic tarp so best to leave that behind if you choose the ambulance as a viable means of transport to the hospital.

The bottles of white and red wine are NOT for use while the Blood-Egg is in operation, but for that period of time between injury and transport to a medical facility. It is illegal to transport medication without a prescription or to send across state lines, so I had to just send the next best thing – WINE! The IV bag and plastic tubing should be prepared PRIOR to use of the Blood-Egg and filled with whichever wine you are in the mood for that particular day.

You will note that there is no needle attached to the end of the plastic tubing, but it has been altered with that cute little bend that fancy straws have – patent pending on that little jobby,

Fill the IV bag. Insert plastic tubing, and place on IV pole close by but absolutely ON the large, blue, industrial, plastic tarp within easy reach. You should NEVER use the Blood-Egg alone. You should at least have somebody in the house or on standby should help be needed.

It takes a little practice, but with Marcy and I helping you, then you will not have to go through the trial and error and pain that we have endured to perfect these procedures. You are sooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky that AKA middle sister did not get this torture devise to you before we have some step-by-step support for you.

A critical reason for not undertaking the ped-egg experience alone is that someone is needed to hand you the plastic tube and start the wine flow in direct proportion to the outflow of blood from your de-callousing.

Auntie D: OK, clan. Here’s the deal. The next time we’re all together we will first have a ped-egg bonfire, then I’ll treat to pedicures all around.

Epilogue: First thought is – it’s obvious that we’re all related, isn’t it? Second, I look at this family interaction and I’m reminded of Sandra Bullock in the movie “Practical Magic.” Did you see it? Sandra Bullock plays a reluctant, yet gifted, witch whose elder, female family members finally lead her gleefully into the “family business.” Poor Marcy.



Pictured above (from left) Ruth, Marcy, D, Robin, Roberta

2 comments:

robin said...

What a sad sad group of sisters we are! Only time will heal this motley crew.

Marcy said...

Is there still hope for any of us?